American culture and etiquette, for people who did not grow up here

American English says roughly what it means, which surprises people arriving from Britain, Japan or much of Northern Europe. Praise is literal: "that was great work" means the work was good, not that it was adequate. Enthusiasm is genuine rather than performative, and matching it is expected — responding to good news flatly reads as disapproval.

Criticism is softened but real. The pattern is often positive-negative-positive, sometimes called a compliment sandwich, and the negative in the middle is the actual message. "I love where you're going with this, I wonder if we could tighten the middle section, but overall really strong" means the middle section needs rewriting.

"How are you?" from a stranger, a cashier or a colleague passing in a corridor is a greeting, not a question. The expected answer is "good, how are you?" and then both parties continue. Answering it substantively is not wrong, but it will surprise people.

Warmth is not intimacy. Americans are friendly with strangers, share personal information readily, and form warm acquaintanceships quickly — but the transition from warm acquaintance to close friend is slower than the initial warmth suggests. Visitors from more reserved cultures often read the first as the second and feel let down.

"We should get lunch sometime" is frequently a pleasantry rather than a plan. If someone means it, they will propose a date.

Tipping is the norm most likely to cause genuine offense if ignored, and the reason is structural. Federal law permits employers to pay tipped workers a cash wage far below the standard minimum — $2.13 an hour federally — on the assumption that tips make up the difference. Some states require the full minimum before tips; most do not.

The practical result is that a tip is not a bonus for good service. It is a substantial part of the worker's wage, and withholding it transfers the cost to them rather than to the business.

The working norms: 18 to 20 percent for restaurant table service, and 15 percent is now read as mild dissatisfaction. $1 to $2 per drink at a bar, or 18 to 20 percent on a tab. 15 to 20 percent for taxis and rideshare. $2 to $5 per night for hotel housekeeping, left daily. 20 percent for hairdressers and barbers. $5 to $10 for a food delivery.

Not tipped: counter service where you order and collect, retail, most professional services, and government employees, who are often prohibited from accepting anything.

Tablet checkout screens prompting for a tip at counter-service places have spread rapidly and are contested even among Americans. Selecting 'no tip' at a counter where you carried your own food to the table is entirely normal.

A service charge is sometimes added automatically for large parties. Where it is, an additional tip is not expected.

American workplaces are informal in manner and demanding in expectation. First names apply almost universally, including with senior management. Doors are open, disagreement in meetings is normal, and speaking up is read as engagement rather than as challenge.

The absence of statutory leave is the structural fact behind most of American work culture. There is no federal requirement for paid vacation, paid sick leave or paid parental leave — the only wealthy country in that position. Two weeks of paid vacation is a common norm, three to four at senior levels, and a substantial share of workers do not take all of what they have.

At-will employment applies in every state except Montana, meaning either party can end the relationship at any time for any reason that is not illegal. There is no notice period requirement, no redundancy consultation, and layoffs can be immediate. Two weeks' notice from an employee is a courtesy norm rather than a legal obligation.

Salary discussion between colleagues is protected activity under federal labor law, and several states now require pay ranges in job postings — but talking about pay remains socially awkward in many workplaces.

Punctuality matters. Arriving on time for a work meeting is expected, and for a dinner reservation or an appointment likewise. For a casual house party, ten to twenty minutes after the stated time is normal; for a dinner invitation, on time.

Personal space is larger than in most of the world — roughly an arm's length with strangers. Standing closer will make people step back. Physical contact between acquaintances is limited: a handshake at introduction, a hug between friends, very little otherwise. Workplace touching beyond a handshake is best avoided entirely.

Small talk with strangers is normal and friendly rather than intrusive. Being asked about your weekend by a cashier, or falling into conversation in a line, is ordinary. Silence in these situations can read as unfriendly.

Topics generally avoided in early conversation: how much you earn, how much you paid for your house, how someone voted, religious belief, and weight or appearance. Safe ground: sport, weather, food, travel, television, and where you are from.

Politics is more polarized than in most comparable countries and cuts across families and workplaces. Raising it with someone you have just met is a genuine social risk, and this is more true than it was a decade ago.

What genuinely offends: racial and ethnic slurs, which are also unlawful in specified circumstances; jokes about race that assume shared views; not tipping; queue-jumping; and, in a professional setting, being consistently late.

Regional variation is enormous. Southern hospitality is a real behavioral pattern, New York directness is a real one, and Midwestern indirectness — the 'Minnesota goodbye' that takes twenty minutes — is real too. The country is culturally less uniform than its media exports suggest.